Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
