Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I will die if light touches me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
