Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
