I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
