The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
