My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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