I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
