I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
