I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
