What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
