i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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