I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
third nipple confirmed
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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