I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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