I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
