Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
