Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
