You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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