So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
