Duck Duck Cougar?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
