i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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