my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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