haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Randomize
