I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
