I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
