The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
