I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Randomize
