you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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