remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Randomize
