My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
