I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
