Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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