I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
