don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
