Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
