so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
