If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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