I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
