...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
