i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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