My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just had sex on a roof
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
