Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
