How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
