one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
