great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
