Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
