Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
