dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize