We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
