some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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