dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
