i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
