Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
