mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
