Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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