What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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