I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
