she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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