omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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