just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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