i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
