after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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