how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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